Total Eclipse of the Mind
by Under an Aegis
Summary: Pretty much this is a Pellinor story and Cadvan becomes kinda evil then Maerad does something that saves him i dont own anything by the way i just like writing
1. Chapter 1

"Tell me again why we have to go through here instead of walking on the bard road

"Tell me again why we have to go through here instead of walking on the bard road?" Maerad whined  
"Because now that we are being hunted by the Light and the Dark it's better if we take detours and do things they wouldn't expect us to do. Things other people wouldn't want to do" replied Cadvan  
"Yeah, but people don'tdo things like going through the wer wood for good reason, Cadvan" said Maerad  
"Hmm? And what reason would that be?" inquired Cadvan  
"It's spooky! Rember last we came through here we had an encouter with a goromant?"  
"but you found out about your Elidhu heritage too so it's not all bad"  
There was a moments silence and then a fat cold drop of rain hit Maerad in the face and seconds later it started bucketing down it was as if gods in the sky thought the world needed a good flood.  
"not that bad Cadvan?! Not that Bad!" yelled Maerad

Cadvan rolled his eyes  
"You're so argumentative! Lets find shelter first then we can argue to your hearts desire" yelled Cadvan  
"I look forward to it" replied Maerad

They finally found a ring of trees that had connecting branches over head providing reasonable protection from the rain

"It's just big enough for us and the horses! Come on!" yelled Maerad through the pelting rain

Cadvan followed on Darsor  
"This is pretty good" said Cadvan glad to be out of the rain  
"You can thank me later" said Maerad

Cadvan smiled at Maerad. It was wonderful to be friendly again after all those weeks of silence in the north. Old scars were healing and old mistakes and grievances were being forgiven. It was as if weeks of bad moves and bad timing had been sloughed away like dust on the wind.  
Maerad smiled back  
Perhaps he finally had a chance with her now. Perhaps he had a chance to finally be more than just friends.  
_But what will others think?_ Argued another part of his mind. The logical part, the one that still hadn't forgiven or forgotten Cadvan for the death of Ceredin and the maiming of Dernhil. The part that Maerad had called selfish.

_Perhaps I am selfish, maybe my withdrawal from humanity and society is just another form of self pity. Maybe I'm using Ceredin as an excuse not to get to know Maerad better. Perhaps I am afraid not of what others will think of me but more of what I will think o myself._

"What are you staring at?" asked Maerad  
"The most beautiful and amazing person I've ever met." said Cadvan  
Maerad stared at him for a moment. Cadvan thought eh saw a flicker of hope pass across her face but it was gone so quickly and replaced with fear and confusion he wondered if it had been there at all.

He couldn't stand the way she looked at him so he averted his eyes and became extremely and suddenly interested in a spider spinning a web between two branches. _You IDIOT!_ Screamed the selfish part of his mind _what do you think could possibly happen between you? That shell just fall for you? Surrender?_  
_No_  
_Of course not! You're her best friend and her teacher. You're decades older than her old enough to be her grandfather!_  
I know...  
_Not only that she is Elednor of Edil-Amarandh! The Fire Lily, the fated one the Foretold! Do you really think she'll settle for a worn out old bag like you?_  
Leave me alone! I can't help how I feel about her so stop telling me all the reasons why it can never be. it's like a torture worse then ive ever felt

Cadvan turned his attention back to the face he adored more than life itself. He expected her to be frightened or maybe angry but she just had a slight smile on her lips and she said  
"You are too kind" and went back to fire wood and tinder box


	2. Chapter 2

Maerads refusal to take him seriously cut him to the core

Maerads refusal to take him seriously cut him to the core. He felt rejected, sullied and just made his love for her all the more agonising.  
As they walked thorugh the wer wood the silence between them made they're lives miserable. For Cadvan it was as if he were standing on the very edge of a precipice, his breath pumping, his toes curling over the edge, torn and bloodied, a pebble falls and rolls and bounces it's way to the bottom. Finally there is a _plink_ as it falls in icy water. Every move he makes seems to bring his fate closer. Every movement, remark, question and answer seemed to push Maerad further and further away.

_Sooner or later your going to fall you know_ said his other self  
_Go away i dont need you right now_

His conscience had been bugging him all the time it was like a war was being fought inside. one that only he experienced. One in which Maerad was collateral damage.

As the days went by the selfish part of his mind, the unforgiving, cowardly part of his mind gradually snuck past his defences. What used to live only in forgotten dusty corners of his mind was taking over. He new there was something wrong with what was happening to him. It seemed as if he had a traitor in his own mind. But at the moment he couldn't figure just what was wrong with it. To him it was normal.

"We're almost at the edge though!" said Maerad who was thoroughly sick of the wer wood "If we just go on a bit more we''l hit the Imlan Road!"  
"There's no point in going on. By the time we get to the bard road it'll be too dark to travel." said Cadvan  
"Oh please! You're just as tired of the wer wood as I am! What is your real reason for wanting to stay here?" she asked  
_Say because you dont trust her decisions anymore._  
"Because I don't trust your decisons anymore!"  
"Really, do you think I'm like a sort of monster? A freak that needs to have her life laid out on a platter, all chopped in to little peices so it's easier to swallow? I'm not a freak. I don't need you." she accused  
_Then why don't you just leave_  
"Then why don't you just leave!" said Cadvan following the prompts the invader was giving him  
"Fine I will leave. Actually I cant think of a reason why your even with me." said Maerad "I should have just left you back at Innail and just found Hem on my own!"  
"I can't leave you because i -"  
_Don't say it!_  
"Because i need you as a tool for the Light." he said knowing the pain he was causing her but not caring. Let her know what it's like to suffer. To know what it's like to feel worthless.  
"I'm leaving. I can't stand you anymore. You're not the same man i knew. I dont know whats wrong with you but you need help." she said "Go back to Innail. Malgorn and Silvia can look after you. Maybe find out whats wrong with you. But right now i have to find Hem and Saliman. If they're alive."

He stepped closer and took her by the shoulders and shook her, her head lolling from side to side.  
"You cant leave! I wont allow it! You hear me! Don't be so selfish."  
"Cadvan-" her rebuttal was cut off by a brutal backhand his knuckles grazing her cheek and leaving it bright red and stinging her ears ringing. Her gaze was directed towards the ground her mouth opened slightly. She slowly raised her small hand to her left cheek.  
"You are a child! A woman; you need controlling." he said with frost lacing every word, when she didn't answer he grasped her chin and forced her to look at him  
"Do you understand?" he screamed in her face

Her eyes were brimming with unshed tears and she wispered so quietly that it seemed no more than a low susurrus.  
"None shall find my home for I live in every human heart."

Her words stirred Cadvan. The _real_ Cadvan. That laid buried under a blanket of darkness and hate. The Cadvan that yearned for a taste of his love. The Cadvan that longed to deliver Maerad from the evil that he was inflicting upon her. The one that reached for her like a flower reaches for the sun in springtime, like the lightning yearns for the ground in a storm.

He hesitated and Meard took her chance to go and pushed him away from her and abruptly changed into her wolf form. Running from the turmoil of uncertainty and in to the certainty of turmoil.


	3. Chapter 3

Running is like a complex song so thought the moon as it watched a chest high wolf with a pale body and a dark ruff flitt over the cold, stark snow

_Running is like a complex song _so thought the moon as it watched a chest high wolf with a pale body and a dark ruff flitt over the cold, stark snow.

_It has beat, it has rhythm, it has tempo, dynamics. But perhaps most of all it has emotion. Everyone is running from something at any given time. Not physically but emotionally and unknowingly. Some are running from duty or procrastinating which is just about running from your responsibilities. Some are running from the truth; lying. Even I run, every morning I run from east to west so that the Sun does not catch me spreading my fingers across the night sky. _

The wolf halted as if it had hit an invisible wall. It put its nose to the ground and searched _Looking for a familiar smell perhaps? Have you lost your pack, child? _The wolf looked slightly morose, melancholy. Lost. Uncertain. It's shoulders were slumped and the tail was hanged limply. _It does not act like any wolf I've ever seen. _The moon had a connection to wolves. They loved her. They greeted to her in the night. And in return she made the dancers in the north. Just so she could see the joy in their faces. So she knew wolves like she new her starry brethren.

_You are not a wolf are you, little one? What are you running from? Or to?_

The moon was right. The chest high wolf with the pale body and dark ruff was running away. And searching too. Searching for a familiar scent yes. The scent of her brother Hem. In a sense the moon was right. She was looking for her pack. Albeit a pack on two legs instead of four.

As she stopped, and sniffed, snow freezing her snout numb, filling her nostrils with it's crisp smell, she picked up a smell of the Earth. Of power and strength. Of beauty and gentleness.

_Ardina_.

A wolf howled away in the east along the Imlan road. She flicked her back paws for spring and brought her forepaws up and down and forward. Bringing her closer and closer to family. Sanctuary.

The wolf howled again. Louder, Maerad answered eager for consolation. She kept running east and finally sighted a pure white wolf silhouetted against the night sky. Almost indistinguishable from the snow beneath, it's snout turned towards her and it settled on it's haunches. A husky, velvety voice resonated in her mind sending shivers clawing down her back that had no relation to the wintry temperatures. _Come child. Let us share our heart tears. _Ardina sung into her deepest soul. Plucking her heart strings unmercifully, painfully.

_I hope you are ready for a flood, for they are infinite, Ardina the Moonchild. _she answered her voice cracking and creaking

_Do not fear I am accustomed to their painfully bitter taste._

Maerad ran towards her ancestor. She reached her out of breath, tongue lolling out of her mouth like a strand of hair escaping from a plait.

_Ardina, what is wrong with him? What have I done wrong? _Maerad asked desperately

_You have done nothing wrong you are in no way involved in what happened to him. _Ardina answered, her mindvoice like a leaf falling from a tree into icy water, making ripples that resonated with in Maerad's mind.

_What do you mean "what happened to him"?_ the younger wolf-who-is-not-wolf inquired confused and a bit frustrated. She did not want endless riddles or cryptic answers. All she wanted was a solution and fast.

_Life is rarely so easy, daughter. _she said. Maerad cringed inside at her words. Realising that she had heard her impatient thoughts.

_He has to forgive himself, Maerad. You should not have run. It is an unfortunate human trait, to run away or destroy the things you do not understand. He has been sullied by what he did many, many years ago. Others may have forgiven him but he has not forgiven himself. _The older woman explained

_Do you mean Ceredin and the Revenant? That was so long ago! _She exclaimed confused and a little tactless.

_Yes. _Said Ardina

They were silent for a time as Maerad chewed her way through a mouthful of questions suppressing her frustration and irritation.

_I don't understand. _She eventually confessed

Maerad heard her sigh slightly with sympathy and exasperation. Almost like a parent sighs when a child does something it knows it's not supposed to do.

_You have been recessed from the world for too long Maerad. You should look out side your own little world. Listen to the cries of others. You are not the only person who has problems or is lonely. Sharma has done this to him, Maerad dear. He found a weakness in Cadvan and exploited it. That weakness is his guilt over Ceredin's death. _Said Ardina softly.

_The Nameless One did this to him? _Maerad finally asked

_Yes. Yes, he did. _

Hope you like it! XO :P more to come


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